Post by David LaRueHello sis,
Another year has flown by. I hope that you are dealing with your mom's
death, now that everyone can celebrate. I know that it has been a trying
year for you and the family.
There are fewer of the regulars around, but most of us celebrate each
year's passing. Hopefully some of the others will chime in too.
Wishing you well,
David
Thanks!
The mourning is way sifter thsn i imagined it wuld be, all my life.
I see 2021 as the year of sulkers;-)
Not only kiddo sulks me, but, as a medium -as much s I dislike the ord medium and the word psychic, but makes it horter to use0, eeven my mom ulk me.After her asking me, aking me up, shking me, night of june 27-28 to say she was lostù; wherever was she? and me letting her know softly she was in heaven, had passed away and now was free to go wherever she pleased, plus her telling me a day or 2 befre her weding nniverary o not worry, thst she felt o nice and was so fine, never heard her again.
it vgot me ngry to think tht even on the other side, she still did not like me, and was the same as in life. ùbutith th experience and know how from the exerience of sulking now ongoing dince ùjan 2 at idnight from kiddo, after months of orturing myself wondering why and rteying ll ùùi could to mke thing ork with kiddo, perhaps due to this experience, ùi just trndf to go ù.bah. th schmuck wiht it. ùifhe ents to sulk roo, o be it. Not my poblem".
who knows. Perhaps Saturn i in "Uranus" do ùi feel like dnpping st them;-ù0 ùlol;-)
If it akes thrm happy to sulk, they certainly are welcome toù; free will is a given by god, so free will I respect.
Even if thy do not respect me:).
And more, i they do not st least respect me, then they csn stay away ad sulk all they wat, fine by me:)
Other than tht, been fighting cough nd cold snd sore tht sgain, la covid fighting once more. ùi think tice or thre times alrrady since the third vsccine. ùhad a tbird one given low immune system ince they killed my sntibodies based on a darn tst tht ended up not even being mine:, I now more and more suspect.(.
ùbut t ast I do not di f5rom it, if obviously ùi still do not mke sntibodie enough to not catvh it over and over.
thi morning, ùi noticed ùi did n ot taste much of snything either...once more..sigh.
but living in isolation is pretty much hoe my lifde as lrwdy since ùi hd to leve work due to disabiliy....
I already had to ordr thing, unble to alk nough in phrma see or gross eries, etc. gross eries remin big problem still, since their programs are just awful for a dull grocery, takes hours and more memory and concentraion thn I can find.
i then need to go myself..sm for some thing for pets, cays in fsct, though should heck whn ùi order delivery for birds nd turtle tuff if they would not hve he cat food ùi need too1woud be so grand if they did....
I will need some help with the cattching up unless I wan it to last for years;-). One of thr delivery persons offered me to get my garbages out, ùi eclind feeling b..but think wikll ask hm if thry oul for 20 bucks thr firt time as are many, hn for less as it would get to the reg weekly trip, unless ùi csn do thr weekly be it wach two weeks once ùi catch upù;0.
THIS aummer and spring were hellish with hunidity snd ht waves almost non stop. just horribly incscitsting for m, ven more....the last week has been hard with blixard a la fibromylgi, and before that aches wih neck, hrt, head, ears, tth, shoulders, knees, hips and back. alouette!:)
But I keep hope and started to py again after myself sulking somewhat payers for nor having ben ehard cfor my mom....
i decied if even God wants to sulk me, so be it, he has free will too, but does nor men I havero become like them, nah ner;-). Asmy dad used to ay "You can ry and brak her all you wan, you will not scceed, i triedand tried and never couldù. Mpft:)
I also realisetht thoe who love to use sulking ad a power trip ar those who so count on my love, they feel thy csn o nyhing and ùi still will be there.
ùthey rehalf right. I will go on, sure, but...detcxhment exists, and ùi use it when i need ro love myself more to compendste for those who wn me to hurt. ùsulking ùi see as form o sadism. liking to see thr other squirm.wishing gor thm to squirm on and on and on, relentlssly, for monthd sieth kiddo,s dd, and now with mkiddo himself. ùwell, nve had one ounce of masochim in m. never cared forpain and bad treatmnts and always was there when i could, as I could, to try and alleviate it in people,s lives.
Once again, I am t aprt in my life where I now would need the syppot of thes, and not only none is offered, but pain nd mistreatment is offred in return...in the past this lead to soemrhing. coming to this ng where ùI used to help others nd where some helped me too at times.
Dunno what it ill lead to this time around, but certainly, a xchange is taking place in limiting my gtraining myself to deth, and thinking of myself more..kf can not o much bout it except rxctly hope fo thid covid psdemis to reslly end one day and meetin new people st long last.
Live. as in resl life.
so much stands in my way to getting there that maybe this is not th ùPlan...but the plan as usual will lead itself to itself:)
tùhe nicest wish I had from relative was from my godchild, noe in her 40s, clodst in ag to kiddo sctuslly...sending m sn ige tht read ù.ùcrtified bedt godmothe in the wold". and yet ùi csn never offer her mteril things...ùi just admire her courage and resiliency....
i jappend to work on her health last night....scanning her body snd roving tumord and reviving ome orgns that needed so, etc.
hope it helped....sI wrked n her, ÙI happened to also feel a pain that I initilly thought was heres and ralised was all mine nd aftr wondeing ehat tht ever ws, dinally figured it was some inflammation of a foating rib due to an inflammation f liver or vice versa, but inflmmation also affetin somach...I worked on that roo, ven if my own pain, nd it ùdid help:).
anyway.
I jut hang in there, or rthr, am now one baby step further than jmust hanfging in there in attitude, on days where I csn even think or function.
much much stres from all the foms so lte....jelp ùi was offered there by s fi nans off hisser never came; sloesed du to civid, no wy to know until when and have a deadline on his o sept 15 when brwainless to count.
ùi try and help the brsin now with numbers and concengtrarion, still hve so lilo of, nd memory ith numbers, gtryinfg sudoku. ùnve fould get one right so far, at level 1. nver an do a hole one in one sht, by do fsr. ùhave to put it foen and sgtart all ovr again nno rmembe rin how sue ùI was about the n umebrs writtn down. ùbut at lest it cocesthe brain ro wok nd ùtry.
physically, as said, been a bad week, but wihr the brain as well. left hand getting ore with fingers not eanting to bend more and more and t ime right hnd lso trying the ame.
as yuou csn see an hardl,y type.
ùi put loys of efforts in it, ifpeole ut n one in reading me. ùbut their free will to act as they please. some also have xzro concentrtion to decipher if ùi lways had an easy ime t deciphring ll sorts of tpos mysel or venforeign lsngusges at the ime....
anyway. ben n exercise here yin still, if ùi see you culd not read my last posts. but whatever thers decide is heir rhig and I go on trying as always. one dsy someone might appreciate the efforts andtry th same, if ùi doubgt, given experience, nyone ever bothers roo.
ùi miss bringing soemrhing into this world to mke it better....
the will is there, intct but not the4 fingers, so will have to be s different form, one that also asks nothing physicsl....no memory...no contrstion...maybe in the end just smiling if ùi fthen still cn when his pandemia is over :)
Who knowswhatroorrow brings....
May it just not be more friggen forms!!!!!!!:)
take care ad rtbaNKS FOR THE WISHES. OOPSCFOR CAPSTO TOP THE REST....
thanks for remembering me....
your sis in God